don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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