When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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