Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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