I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
