I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I want a musical about memes.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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