i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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