thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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