Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
