Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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