I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
