Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
