i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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