His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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