Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
