i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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