You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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