Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
