the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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