I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
