My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
