The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
