the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
