cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
