I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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