Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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