But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
