Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
