I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
