THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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