Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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