It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
