I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
