I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
