im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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