I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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