Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
