Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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