Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
