Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
