I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
