Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
