and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
