for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
