I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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