i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
