My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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