you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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