somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize