it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
