if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
