Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
