wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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