I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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