Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
