my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
