So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
