I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
