I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think my moral compass just broke
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