so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
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