i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
