home. puking in laundry basket.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
