And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
