why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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