it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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